Broken. Yup that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Defleeted, yes I know this isn’t a real word but to be honest it should be. It is a great way to explain how I am feeling right now. A combination of defeated and deflated. That is me right now.
I am that child’s old balloon that used to be big and bright and floated around on the ceiling. Now I am forgotten because I am no longer fun. I sit on the floor being kicked around until I am lost under the bed. I am no longer bright or full, I am deflated, no longer able to float around and play.
I am also the Broncos right now, (ugh come on guys) continuously defeated by the other teams. I know this is only temporary and I will rise up like the beautiful phoenix that I am and win again. Now the Broncos on the other hand, they better do this like ASAP, Sunday maybe. Hint hint guys.
I know I haven’t been writing as often lately and that is due to my mental state. As much as I am an advocate for speaking out and being proud of who you are, there are some days that you just can’t. Don’t get me wrong, I am still talking to my loved ones and therapist, I just can’t be an advocate to be strong right now. It makes me feel a bit hypercritical when I can hardly see the light of the day lately. I am always proud of myself, but there are a times like now, that I have to take a step back and look at myself and admit defeat. It is really hard.
I know that I will rise again from the ashes of defleetion (my own word, although it really should be in the dictionary) and soar like the phoenix some day again. Until then I need time, time to look at who I am right now and what I need in order to become the person I was again. I don’t think that will be long, but it is a sobering experience to say the least. And it is okay to have these times, just make sure that you step back and really look at the situation you are in. Don’t ignore it, that is the worse thing you can do. You should always come first, for some people that is very hard to do, for me it is hard to admit defeat. Remember it is only a period of time, which in the real scheme of things is short, even though it might feel like forever. Do what you need to do, talk to others, pay attention to your mental health, someone has to because it is your life and you deserve the best life, just like me.