My goal lately with my therapy is to notice things before I do them and try to not do them. I have noticed that I do things that I didn’t even know I did. Oh dear!
So I have an issue with things that have been in public. For example even things I get at the grocery store bother me, like a bag of cheese. If I want cheese on something I will sprinkle it from the actual bag and then wash my hands before I eat because I touched the bag that was out in public. Last night I realized I do that with everything!
I was out of paper towels in the kitchen, so I went to get a new roll and it was still in the plastic it comes in. After I refilled the paper towel holder, I had to wash my hands because of the exterior plastic around the roll. I had not noticed this before.
It really makes me think what else do I do without even noticing. I know there are a lot of little things that I do without thinking about because for so long I have done them because it makes me feel more comfortable when I do.
I notice that I wash my hands after opening or closing the blinds in my house. We moved here 3 months ago today actually and I have cleaned them off, but I still do because they were here before we moved in. Yup, I know this is really strange to a lot of you. I know you don’t get why I do this and that is fine. I won’t go into detail and bore you, but I feel like I have to do this.
I tried not to wash my hands the other night when going to bed and I closed the blinds in my bathroom and in the bedroom. I laid in bed for what felt like forever, when only really being a total of maybe 5 minutes, before getting up to wash my hands. I really didn’t want to wash my hands, as this was my goal with therapy for the week. Anyway, I couldn’t stand it so I gave in. I was laying in bed, and just thinking about it, and I couldn’t stand it. I started to get upset and then tried a breathing exercise, and it just got worse till I jumped out of bed and went and washed my hands so I could relax. Sigh!
This is only one struggle that I have daily. Everyone struggling with a mental illness hides their struggles from others, maybe not all the time, but we all have at some point in our life. We don’t want people to think we are “nuts” or “crazy”, we already know we have issues don’t make us feel bad about them.
Most of us struggle every day, others have them under control. Yet there are many others that fear talking about it with someone and are alone in their struggles. Speak up people, get help. It gets better. People without mental issues don’t understand and it is really hard to explain things to them all the time. It is like trying to show a blind person a sunset it just doesn’t work. It’s just best to describe what you are feeling to them so they can to understand a little. A little goes a long way being there for someone.